Thank you for sharing this lyrical, tender, insightful story. These are the lines I especially related to: "I’d had it with flash and charm and being on the edge with a man."
"Even though I fought a terror of abandonment, I knew where it was coming from, I knew to fight it."
"I now believe something happened before I had language"
Recently discovered you and this story pulled me in. You tell this story beautifully. I look forward to discovering more of your work and will check out the essay that came before this one later today.
Thank you so much for your kind words. My stats on this one were on the discouraging side because this is a long piece. I know. I know I shouldn't look at those, but my ego...I am thinking about bringing out some more of these essays. The collection has been bugging me for awhile. Hope you like the first one too...Thank you too for subscribing.
I am sorry for the late reply to this. I take care of my mom who is completely disabled now due to MS. Since the beginning of the year we have been navigating some medical obstacles with kidney stones and urology. I haven't had the time to do much posting or engaging on Substack the last week or so.
Now that you know that; I often have the time needed for a long read! This drew me in. I was raised Catholic. Excited to discover more of your tales!
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. How painful for her to have those kidney stones on top of her disability. How difficult for you. I'm so glad you enjoyed this one. It felt risky to post...I just sent off another one for a literary contest, but it flies in the face of "the narrative" so I don't know know how it will fare.
Katie, I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child by a family friend. I did not know that it was why I kept choosing men that treated me badly and used me for sex. I would put up with it much longer than others would. I’d hate myself for it and yet stay. It happened over and over again. Thank you for sharing. Your story is much like my own.
Oh Emelia, I'm so sorry to hear this. It's awful when we don't know what's going on with our behavior. How did you untangle yourself from that dating pattern. Sexual abuse ruins so many things for us. Though I believe we can be healed, but it's a long walk.
I got to a very low point and decided I wasn’t going to date any longer. It was at that point that I met Bryan. He treated me so differently than anyone else ever had. It wasn’t until I started therapy recently for my anxiety that I found out that the abuse had played such a huge factor in my dating life. It’s helped me to understand why I repeated it so many times. That is was more complicated than what I and others thought at the time. Since, you are being so vulnerable in your writing, I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and stand with you. ❤️
I am so glad you met Bryan and he treated you better. And that therapy is helping. Thank you so much for standing with me. These two were hard to put out there. But I feel a strong nudge to keep sharing some of these…we’ll see on that! I very much appreciate your stopping by.
What a beautiful gift! How I rejoice with you to hear your story of redemption! In a missionary children's home, I experienced a similar grief with no one around that could do anything to help. Just us children trying to help each other. That was the time of my life I remember sitting on the outside swing looking at the sky and remembering two verses especially: God sees the sparrow fall; He knows how many hairs are on our head. The sky still speaks to me of Him.
I am so very glad you found this essay as a gift. Thank you so much for the affirmation as it was risky for me to post. Oh yes on God seeing the sparrow fall and how he knows our head. Every time I see sparrows in the barn, I think of the same thing. Two sat on the fence watching me while I curried the horse today. Bless you for reading this.
Thank you for sharing this lyrical, tender, insightful story. These are the lines I especially related to: "I’d had it with flash and charm and being on the edge with a man."
"Even though I fought a terror of abandonment, I knew where it was coming from, I knew to fight it."
"I now believe something happened before I had language"
Thank you so much for this close and careful reading of this essay.
Recently discovered you and this story pulled me in. You tell this story beautifully. I look forward to discovering more of your work and will check out the essay that came before this one later today.
Thank you so much for your kind words. My stats on this one were on the discouraging side because this is a long piece. I know. I know I shouldn't look at those, but my ego...I am thinking about bringing out some more of these essays. The collection has been bugging me for awhile. Hope you like the first one too...Thank you too for subscribing.
I am sorry for the late reply to this. I take care of my mom who is completely disabled now due to MS. Since the beginning of the year we have been navigating some medical obstacles with kidney stones and urology. I haven't had the time to do much posting or engaging on Substack the last week or so.
Now that you know that; I often have the time needed for a long read! This drew me in. I was raised Catholic. Excited to discover more of your tales!
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. How painful for her to have those kidney stones on top of her disability. How difficult for you. I'm so glad you enjoyed this one. It felt risky to post...I just sent off another one for a literary contest, but it flies in the face of "the narrative" so I don't know know how it will fare.
I needed this hope
Oh my goodness. I am so glad it spoke to you. I bear witness to the great and good healing the Lord can bring.
Thank you so much 🩷
Prayers too
Katie, I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child by a family friend. I did not know that it was why I kept choosing men that treated me badly and used me for sex. I would put up with it much longer than others would. I’d hate myself for it and yet stay. It happened over and over again. Thank you for sharing. Your story is much like my own.
Oh Emelia, I'm so sorry to hear this. It's awful when we don't know what's going on with our behavior. How did you untangle yourself from that dating pattern. Sexual abuse ruins so many things for us. Though I believe we can be healed, but it's a long walk.
I got to a very low point and decided I wasn’t going to date any longer. It was at that point that I met Bryan. He treated me so differently than anyone else ever had. It wasn’t until I started therapy recently for my anxiety that I found out that the abuse had played such a huge factor in my dating life. It’s helped me to understand why I repeated it so many times. That is was more complicated than what I and others thought at the time. Since, you are being so vulnerable in your writing, I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and stand with you. ❤️
I am so glad you met Bryan and he treated you better. And that therapy is helping. Thank you so much for standing with me. These two were hard to put out there. But I feel a strong nudge to keep sharing some of these…we’ll see on that! I very much appreciate your stopping by.
What a beautiful gift! How I rejoice with you to hear your story of redemption! In a missionary children's home, I experienced a similar grief with no one around that could do anything to help. Just us children trying to help each other. That was the time of my life I remember sitting on the outside swing looking at the sky and remembering two verses especially: God sees the sparrow fall; He knows how many hairs are on our head. The sky still speaks to me of Him.
I am so very glad you found this essay as a gift. Thank you so much for the affirmation as it was risky for me to post. Oh yes on God seeing the sparrow fall and how he knows our head. Every time I see sparrows in the barn, I think of the same thing. Two sat on the fence watching me while I curried the horse today. Bless you for reading this.
This is a very powerful story.
Thank you for reading and commenting on this.